"Brother James" My brother

Brother James is what I call my brother on my cell. He goes by adrian...Anyways he got out of his shock camp which he went to for rehab it didn't work one bit at all. so me and my sister lives together and he stayed a while into I called the cops on him..The stories to what drove me mad..Okay I come into my now apartment he lays condoms on the table in the living room. I asked him not to do that plenty of times he said ok then I still see them.One day I was going to play his xbox so i reached for a game a little white rock thing falls out so I call my uncle to confirm what I think it is he tasted it and said its crack. later on I confronted him and said that it was fake and my sister said that he flushed it. He was still able to stay on the couch.. I found pieces of weed and cigar papers on the table my grandmother was there at that time she told me to take them off the table and put them in a napkin so I did evidence or (blackmail). Anyways one time I come downstairs and in the kitchen there is oil spilled all over the floor smeared all the way into the living room I wonder who did it? He did and too stupid to clean it up so when he came back I told him that there was a mop in the closet so he can clean it. A different time in the living room he put his dirty underwear on the floor and his sneakers on the table. When he came back I told him about them and when I go into the living room again guess where they are on the table. He slept on the couch then my grandmother decided to let him stay in the extra room and me and my sister apartment ok.. So he stays in there so one morning I go into the room because my clothes are still in there after I moved to the big room after my grandmother left..Ok so i go into the room the window is open, The screen is up, the plastic window part is up and the glass part is up.. The curtains are blowing inside I told him that he cant stay here anymore in a text then he write me back I was hot. Ok if you where hot why not put the window back down he never wrote back. See where we live if its cold outside and the heat is on ( which is free) you have to pay a $20 fine. I came into the house plenty of times and all down stairs smelled like weed because of him. one time the fool stood in the door  and the screendoor and decided to smoke weed and let it blow into the house. What a dumbass I dont want to smell that at all. Another time I came downstair in the mornining he left to go to work he doesn't have a key because i know more of my stuff would be missing...So I look at the back door which is unlock thats ok no key then I go into the kitchen the frontdoor also unlocked. When he came back I said why leave both doors unlock so someone can kill me in my sleep. I told him that I didnt want him to stay anymore I told him to get he can only come to change his clothes which he did into my sister started to sneak him in. Then thanksgiving came so he stayed so did my little brother and his friend and my drunken mother. And during this time 6am in the morning I smell weed underneath my bedroom door it was because he wanted to start his day early he smoked it outside.. So after they left he stayed he made his way back in ..Soon enough I come in from school all I smell is weed.  two days ago my grandmother spent the night since she works downtown he leaves 2 o'clock in the morning waking her up so I locked the door 8am he comes knocking on the door are you kidding me. I let him knock for a bit and then I came and let him in. Then I got up and went to the food pantry where I volunteer before I left the door was unlocked. While my grandmother was sleeping and me upstairs. He didnt care enough to tell me that he was leaving so I can lock the door.  Thats the day I called the cops. This is how it happen i come downstairs he is back and everything my grandmother up and about.  my sister had the night at her boyfriend house. So she wasn't there for the drama. So I look into the living room he is bent over on the couch and a kneeling position but face on the couch and knees on the floor head side ways. I whispher to my grandmother to look she tells me to go get the camera so she can take a picture she forgot it. Then she said the he must be on crack and stuff so he gets up and starts yelling at her so I said 'Adrian shut up" Then he went mad and said i dont like the way you talk to me I said " you do stupid things ect"  you treat me like a bum ( we face to face here yelling) I said " you are a bum"  then he got even madder and said that I was because i got the apartment through her and everything is handed to me. I told him to leave he said no so I said " Im going to call the cops' and he said " go ahead" so I called them. He left before they came though..later on my grandmother said he also said something about me having a silver spoon.  I went on this leadership retreat for school on halloween weekend all my stuffed been moved- thats when my grandma moved out and decided to move my stuff into her old room. $140 is missing from my stuff I know he stole it he would tell if he did. He has a thing about stealing from people and lieing like there is no tomorrow. He stole games from me when we were younger and sold them he still denies it because. I use to have a lot of games for my super nintendo that my cousin gave me and he sold them I remember i use to have spiderman for and supermario brothers. They went missing so I go to the game store and my supermario brothers game is there where he sold it for money or whatever. I heard that he been through alot as a child he was beaten my his stepmother and tied to a table and put into a home because our mother was a drug addicted he was also hit by a car..but he has a mind of a child he has been in and out a jail and stuff be he is a grown man he'll be 29 this month and he has a daughter. when are people able to grow up. Every single of my brothers and sisters been through hell. My sister told me that If I went what they went through i would be tougher..My options of a baby was stay with my foster mother and dont know my family that well or be adopted. Now I think about I wouldn't want to know anyone.

Thanksgiving and afterwards.

My drunken mother came down for thanksgiving yelling and ranting about stupid stuff drinking herself away. I sent her text msgs saying i cut myself because she likes to bother me when she drinks. I told her everytime you bother me I'll send you crazy messages. so when she came she said where your cuts you aint crazy. This went on for the whole time she was here. Oh yea me and my sister live together my grandmother moved to a place for old people. She wasn't here for her rants she cried and yelled and talked to herself into 1 or 2 in the morning and it was also about her birthday how no one called her.She also cried about her uncle because he told her that his stomach was hurting. come to find out later that his stomach was hurting because the smell of alcohol on her breath was too much for him. If I did call her on her birthday it would go to my little brother phone. Want to know why because she somehow decided to have all her calls forward to his phone. Then the next day thanks giving she picked with me and i lost it and cursed " I'm fucking tired of this shit" I think thats what I said I dont remember. All I know is I was tired of here going on at me she thinks I'm telling my little brother what to do. He is stuck living with her because he moved with her to go to college. So I snapped. It's funny cause I think of the people who say all i saw was red or I blacked out i cant remember what happen. And they killed the people. Anyways after I cursed I went down stairs she followed screaming "fuck you" thanks mom. I cursed before a couple years ago because she is fat, very fat and has a stomach. So one day when she came by she decided to do what she does best which is drink and pick at me. Then she came in my room yelling and what not i cursed she conered me with her large belly and I think i said " get the fuck away from me". Then all hell broke lose as usually. Then she cursed and I told her how she isn't my mother the only mother I had was my grandmother who adopted me. Which is now true according to my birth certificate her name is no longer on it.  Any ways back to thanksgiving she sat outside road around in a cab to my more liquor. I believe that she dispises me i dont know why..maybe because I'm the one that got adopted by her mother...So by law again I'm really her sister and her daughter at the same time lol. Anyways everytime she drinks or when I hear from her or anything else about her I get depressed..Really depressed suicidual thinking depressed. I dont think that I love her..because I dont really care about her anymore..I just dont care anymore.

Super Mario World Cartoon [Mama Luigi]

D-Pryde - Paper Touching

American Boy Parody-"First Asian Boy"

I'm Just going to let it all out

I remember one time my sisters came up from Rochester to visit. This is when my "mother" lived up here. I took the bus to her house because thats where my little sisters were. When they had to go back to my house she had her boyfriend drive all three of them back. The thing is that she didnt want me in the car the was room but she didnt want me. So I had to walk back down the hill all the way to the mall wait for the bus for a half and hour to go home. Because she didnt want me with them and my little sisters where mad because there was room and they said how could she do that.

Another time we were at T.J Maxx and they were spending more time with me then her. She was drinking and loud and the store and her shirt had food stains on and her huge belly hanging from the bottom. She got mad because she said that I was stealing her visit.

Another time a couple a years ago she bought all of my brothers and sisters things like clothes , TV's at least the ones she had left. She didnt get me anything because I'm adopted and was getting a check.

Another Time i went to her house and asked for some soda she got mad because she said I was gonna drink it all a 2liter bottle. Why say I can have it if you really dont want me to.

One time her husband no ex was going to give me money she told him not to give me anything because i got a check. So he didnt he gave everybody else and also gave them clothes.

One time she gave me a hundred dollar saying dont say i dont give you anything. Soon after she gave it to me she started talking about it. And she does stuff put it in your face when she does something for you. Like if I took it everytime I see her she would bring it up. Like " remember when i gave you that money remember I didnt have to give it to you" I know this because she does it to everyone so I gave it back to her.

And when she bought my grandma sneakers everytime when she seen her or talk to her she brought it up and say stuff like I bought you sneakers why cant you give me this or that. I realize over and over again that I should expect nothing from her. And to never get my hopes up  just to have my heart trampled on over again.

I feel in my heart and soul her disgust towards or for me why I dont know. Unlike my brothers and sisters Im the only one that she treats different I believe its because I was adopted.

Shes even blames my grandma for her kids not being with her. If my grandma didnt take my younger brother and sister they would been in homes God knows where. But me like I said I feel like I would be better off in one because my grandma verbally abuses me and makes me feel like I worst then shi*. Just like my mother does.

Alcoholics

I never go to see my "mother" she came here to visit hers. She came drunk as usually drinking is her thing. When she drinks she get loud and annoying having fits over everything saying that she is going to leave. why because she doesnt want to be her. Why come if all you are going to do is drink yell and have fits. You know what is funny to me my brother's daughter she doesnt believe that it is his and thinks he should get a DNA test but she wants to see her. And dispise the child and the mother not to their faces but behind their backs. She gets on my nerves so much and my brother his is in a rehab center for six-seven months it seems like he will never learn his lesson. Another funny thing is when he was out he wasn't paying child support at all or giving money for his child. He was renting a TV and a laptop for a hundred dollars a month and not giving anything to her I realize now that material things is more important then his own child. Back to my "mother" when i see her and she is drinking she makes me sad because no matter how many times you tell her that drinking affects me it seems like she doesnt care. Thats where my brother gets it from i guess. But all she does is drink and talk loud yelling in a high pitch annoying voice that I cant stand. I dont visit her because she is annoying and all she does is drink and bring up stuff from the past and put it in your face. I wrote a poem about her called " Losing love" its hard to love someone you dont really know. First she was a drug addict now a alcoholic and complains about her children not seeing her. They dont see you because all you do is drink and when you drink you are annoying and aggressive. Its hard to love her I dont even know if I do. She isn't someone I want in my life. She try to drink her problems away because she is lonely and lonely because she is a alcoholic. I tried so many times to give her my all and everytime i got knock down and my feelings hurt. My sister said to me " when she came in I seen  that you put up a wall" yea because I've gave up or giving up. Why should I have this is my life this pain and saddness when you come. Right now tears are welled up in my eyes because my heart is and soul is sad. They only way to me is to let go of the past meaning her and move on so I dont have to feel this way. So I wont hurt no more so I wont cry. Even my grandmother is annoying and says the meanest things just to pick. Cause she know what buttons to push. Sometimes she says stuff and say "Cry I dont care Cry" for what just because. And it hurts because it made all theses years to be a wasted why adopt me only to make me feel so miserble. I wish that i was never adopted by her I wouldnt care not knowing my family cause some of then there is no point. For what to feel pain why would God allow this. I hope that good will come soon and the pain way go away and I'll just ee happy. For Like a couple of months when I use to go to church I was happy. Soon as I leave church i felt good and just so happy and love in my heart from God. Then when I got home my grandmother would say something and just saddness would overwhelm me. I wish I had that feeling again of grace and joy and love. And I said for a little bit to myself "its not her its them" (meaning demons) just trying to still my joy away.

6/29/10

Today I found out that my older brother has testicular cancer. My grandmother told me today.  She said that he smoking his self away (weed). He told her that he doesnt care if he go to jail. But he seems like he doesnt acknowlegde that he has daughter. And all he will do is lose one ball depending on how far the cancer has spread. I find it amusing that in a life and "death" situation that he is willing to give up. Instead of trying to change is life around for the better this is just a test. Or another obstacle in his way. I said if it was me and I have a kid I will do everything good for my child as well as for myself and I would fight my way through it. People dont realize that you dont have to accept everything and then give up on being. Maybe this is just a phase for him and eventually he will get over it. But who knows right? My grandma said that he is depress now. You cant allow the saddness to overwhelm you have to take life and stand up straight and try your best into you run out of it. I guess I should take my own advice ahhh perhaps.

When will he tell me about his situation maybe when it sinks in my uncle found out by the doctor calling is phone. My brother situation is that he is homeless at the moment he is 28yrs old with a daughter that he doesnt really see to often. He has a job but he spends his money on stupid stuff like weed and maybe his laptop that he doesnt need because he needs to buy his daughter stuff. He also has a Tv that he doesnt use that he is also making payments. I know that he feels like no one cares and the world is against him but he should never think about giving up. Like before his daugther was born he tried to kill himself by drinking something I cant remember it was something at where ever he was staying that he found under the sink. I care about him but he made it hard for me over the years stealing from me and lying about stealing my clothes. My games and selling them and destroying my stuff. To me he is like his mother but I would wish bad apon him. When I found out I didnt cry no tears welled up in my eyes I smiled in disbelief. But I no nothing is going to happen to him unless he doesnt go and try to get treatment and really just give up on life. I believe this is a test from God for him to do things right because this is his second chance to live life the way that was intended for him. Instead of what he didnt do now he has somethings to look forward to and things that he can do. I dont know life is a crazy thing ..

Losing Love by Evelyn Cora Pontes| Lulu Poetry

Losing Love by Evelyn Cora Pontes Lulu Poetry

Losing Love by Evelyn Cora Pontes| Lulu Poetry

Losing Love by Evelyn Cora Pontes Lulu Poetry

Tired

Did my laundry this morning/afternoon. Then studied for my biology test. I realized and thought about again how much this life isn't what I want. It bothers me so much to being stupid stuff and not achieving anything so far. nothing in my life I can say that I'm proud of because I dislike it. my home situation is annoy and I also hate it. I see how all these people got somewhere in life that they like and I'm home not knowing what to do or where to go.

Well Today I went on youtube and learned how to draw more realistic.. Anyway today I really dont know. I know I need to leave and I surely  gotta work on getting my permit. Because I going crazy  and I cant be here next year and next semester in the snow. Yesterday and today my grandmother has been aggavating me picking and yelling about stupid things. When I haven't said or done anything. And for some reason I allow it to sadden me. Right now I'm tearing up because I don't know what to do. Only so much a person care bare..I try to think about others things so that she cant take my sanity. She gets me depress/sad and I later I cant concertrate on the things that I'm suppose to be doing like my homework. She tells me things I asked her not to tell me like what other people tell her nasty stuff. Yesterday her phone stopped working she told me that I cant have my internet because her phone is off. Her attitude was if I dont have my phone you cant have the internet which I'm paying for separately. If someone wakes her up she yells and starts screaming " I can't sleep neither will anyone else"..Slowy but surely I'm going go crazier then which I am..I have to go in order to keep sain.. I know once I'm gone I'm not going to come back.There is know reason to.

i dont know

How do you make your dreams come true. Where does the drive come from and how do you get. R u suppose to pray and hope and wait or pray and find out where the chances are so you can take a leap..Still how do you get there cause I have everything in my head and on paper but i dont know what to do next..

Where I'm at in my life

I work in a job I don't like. I'm a market researcher I call people on the phone to do surveys companies hire us to do it for them. Only to get cursed at by angry people or hung up on because they think I'm a telemarketer. I have sketches that I have drawn of clothing and I have poetry on the internet but I haven't been up to date with it like I use to be. I passion for all these things but the question is how do I move futher how to I break away from my comfort zone from my fears, low self esteem, confidence and shyness. I follow Chris Brown and Drake on facebook and see how they made it. Then I see Marc Ecko who came from nothing and now owns clothing lines and a magazine and accomplishing his dreams everyday. I want to work for a major company in the entertainment industry I want to also create my own things and be a mogul like him. How do I put everything behind me and take a leap of faith and pray that I will land on the right spot. I need help I really believe I need someone here to help me push me like a mentor or something. I need someone to hold my hand for a little bit and let me go so I can find my own way. When will my day come and how can I make it.

Who I Am

Like I said in my pro in the "about me" section I have ideas and dreams. But I dont know how to make them come true. I've been living in a eniroment that I dont like. My grandmother is a very negative and complains all the time. I'm 22 and living at home going to school and working. But it seems like I'm not going anywhere because I'm lonely dont have any friends. I have people that I'm cool with but I dont call them and talk to them like that. Maybe its they way I was brought up. I'm overweight now I always been since I was like 8yrs old. My grandmother tell me my flaws and pick on me curising me. My mother she was a drug addict so my grandmother adopted me when I was one. I always tried to be with my mother but bad things always came of it. I remeber one night spending the night at her house when I was younger. I was there because thats where my brothers and sisters where there is 6 of us all together. Well I remember her waking me up in the middle of the night saying "where is it" I had no idea what she was talking about. She was talking about her crack pipe which I didnt know what it looked like. I only remember the bad things of my past and not the good for some reason. My grandma use to keep me and my sister who is a year younger then me. my mom came to visit us and to take us out for a pizza. I was like 5 or younger. I remember eating at the pizza place and coming back in the cab and my sister not getting out and walking in the dark home. My grandmother says I came screaming and crying with a note in my pocket from my mother saying that she took my sister.