New Day

I baked cookies today only three.

My mother came to visit with my sister on wensday she left my little sister sara and went off to kennys house. Who is her ex she always fight with who she also use to do crack with and now he told her he is gay). Anyway when she came back i think thursday or friday she stole somethign that I bought for mey hair which cost $38 it was Miss jessie curly hair pudding. I cant get it out of my head that she stole it from me I just bought it then i went to use it it was gone. After i get it back which i will she isn't ever coming back here. AHh she get on my nerves so much. I'm thinking about going into work early today will be my last day because i need to focus on my school work. I told the boss she said my job will not be guranteed if i returned. I'm just upset thinking about that stupid women who stole my stuff. I curesed, I cried what the hell is family for if all they ging to do is screw you over. Also when I filed my taxes they told me I cant get anything back because someone claimed me and then they told me I had to pay $253 to the state and the government. I dont know why they keep getting me. It makes me so sad that I cant trust anyone. Because all they ever going to do is take and take thieve and lie. Why me? my grandmother already have credit cards in my name which is over $3000 and she wont pay them back. I cannot think about the things people do to me without crying.

V-Day so far

I havent  been able to get on to my blog because my laptop has been attacked by a virus. All my google accounts have been blocked by internet explorerer. Well yesterday was my birthday. Today this morning have have to go to court because I'm had a temporary order of protection against my brother.I missed the grammy's yesterday because i dont have cable. On this one website they have a picture of Williow sitting on Lady Gaga lap. And this is with her horns and everything.

The Next Morning

I'm still sad my throat fell soarish. My back was semi bothering me. Maybe its me making excuses or not wanting to go to work. I dont have to only if I want to because I'm not signed up. yesterday I only got paid for an hour because the internet was down so no one was able to work. I'm thinking about my bills and how much money I will have next week. I'm Just sad I dont know ahhh. I rememeber having diaries when i was younger and my grandmother looking for every single one and reading them popping the lock off of one of them. I cant be here no more I know I keep on talking about it and realize that I have to take action but how? Where am i suppose to go. just a second ago I had a sharp pain in my neck my right hand is bothering me probably because i be on the computer too much. My throat been bothering me for a couple of days because I've been sick and I coughed so much blood finally came up. Will I ever become more then what I am now. Will I ever be truly happy and moving on from the demons that sound me (not talking about family) that try to break me. Oh yea I found my great uncle on the internet acuatly my little sister sara did. He was in the obituray the list he died at 87 Egidio Mello his children and that his brother was still alive my grandfather that my grandma keep saying that he dead. So i looked on them on facebook which they have and started to ask if they were the children of the late Egidio first his stepdaughter wrote me because I asked her then when i woke up this morning his daughter said yes and asked me to add her then later his son did. They are cape verdian portuguese. Never knowing that Thinking that they are from acutally portugal. And me getting the portugal flag and what not knowning the truth because I only know some of the one side of my family. When i get older my children will know everyone  that I know and no one will be forgotten. Still thinking about last night waiting for my sister to come and drag my brother stuff in thats outside. I'm thinking what I have to hear about him not having no where to put his stuff. I dont care everyone believes that i was giving everything yes but not happiness. But hopefully God will provide me with something more then what i have been given so far. His words that I remember lurks in my mind followed with tears. My grandmother said that her chest did hurt yesterday and that she might get a bruise.

One of those days

Tonight my grandmother let my older brother in the house. he took a shower because he stinks. I told him why didnt he take a shower at where is staying at. We got into a agrument. I said to him- While you were staying her you should of saved up money and you didnt. he said that he did but I know he was lying. Remember he is 29 then he started to yell because my grandmother was taking up for me. Then he said that everything is giving to me. I told him that he needs to get his self together because he has more responsiblity then me. Meaning his child and everything. Then he said something else smart before he left. Then I said that he do and sell drugs. Then he said you want to talk about me. "Everythign is handed to you...your a nobody.. you dont have any friends...and about being in the real world ( because my I got the apartment from my grandmother but it cost $700 which he doesn't know)" etc..Then i told him to leave he wouldnt then he said make me. So I got up and pushed him towards the open door he wanted to fight he said call the cops I didnt I hit him and try to get him out the door. We scuffled then my grandma got up so we wouldn't fight. He wouldn't leave so I got his clothes and threw them outside in the snow. He just walked away. My grandma said he was trying to punch me and instead he accidently hit her in the chest. So now his stuff is outside piled up against the wall. But I'm here said and depressed I cant be in this enivoriment. I cant my back is started to kill me after that. And afterwards I was shaking I called my mom and just broke down crying she said dont let him in anymore I told her that I didnt grandma did. Then she told me to pray and talk to god which I will do because hes all I have. my grandmother chest is hurting and she probably going to have a bruise.I'm just sad wanting to leave and never looking back for anyone except for my niece. I cant take it.

"Brother James" My brother

Brother James is what I call my brother on my cell. He goes by adrian...Anyways he got out of his shock camp which he went to for rehab it didn't work one bit at all. so me and my sister lives together and he stayed a while into I called the cops on him..The stories to what drove me mad..Okay I come into my now apartment he lays condoms on the table in the living room. I asked him not to do that plenty of times he said ok then I still see them.One day I was going to play his xbox so i reached for a game a little white rock thing falls out so I call my uncle to confirm what I think it is he tasted it and said its crack. later on I confronted him and said that it was fake and my sister said that he flushed it. He was still able to stay on the couch.. I found pieces of weed and cigar papers on the table my grandmother was there at that time she told me to take them off the table and put them in a napkin so I did evidence or (blackmail). Anyways one time I come downstairs and in the kitchen there is oil spilled all over the floor smeared all the way into the living room I wonder who did it? He did and too stupid to clean it up so when he came back I told him that there was a mop in the closet so he can clean it. A different time in the living room he put his dirty underwear on the floor and his sneakers on the table. When he came back I told him about them and when I go into the living room again guess where they are on the table. He slept on the couch then my grandmother decided to let him stay in the extra room and me and my sister apartment ok.. So he stays in there so one morning I go into the room because my clothes are still in there after I moved to the big room after my grandmother left..Ok so i go into the room the window is open, The screen is up, the plastic window part is up and the glass part is up.. The curtains are blowing inside I told him that he cant stay here anymore in a text then he write me back I was hot. Ok if you where hot why not put the window back down he never wrote back. See where we live if its cold outside and the heat is on ( which is free) you have to pay a $20 fine. I came into the house plenty of times and all down stairs smelled like weed because of him. one time the fool stood in the door  and the screendoor and decided to smoke weed and let it blow into the house. What a dumbass I dont want to smell that at all. Another time I came downstair in the mornining he left to go to work he doesn't have a key because i know more of my stuff would be missing...So I look at the back door which is unlock thats ok no key then I go into the kitchen the frontdoor also unlocked. When he came back I said why leave both doors unlock so someone can kill me in my sleep. I told him that I didnt want him to stay anymore I told him to get he can only come to change his clothes which he did into my sister started to sneak him in. Then thanksgiving came so he stayed so did my little brother and his friend and my drunken mother. And during this time 6am in the morning I smell weed underneath my bedroom door it was because he wanted to start his day early he smoked it outside.. So after they left he stayed he made his way back in ..Soon enough I come in from school all I smell is weed.  two days ago my grandmother spent the night since she works downtown he leaves 2 o'clock in the morning waking her up so I locked the door 8am he comes knocking on the door are you kidding me. I let him knock for a bit and then I came and let him in. Then I got up and went to the food pantry where I volunteer before I left the door was unlocked. While my grandmother was sleeping and me upstairs. He didnt care enough to tell me that he was leaving so I can lock the door.  Thats the day I called the cops. This is how it happen i come downstairs he is back and everything my grandmother up and about.  my sister had the night at her boyfriend house. So she wasn't there for the drama. So I look into the living room he is bent over on the couch and a kneeling position but face on the couch and knees on the floor head side ways. I whispher to my grandmother to look she tells me to go get the camera so she can take a picture she forgot it. Then she said the he must be on crack and stuff so he gets up and starts yelling at her so I said 'Adrian shut up" Then he went mad and said i dont like the way you talk to me I said " you do stupid things ect"  you treat me like a bum ( we face to face here yelling) I said " you are a bum"  then he got even madder and said that I was because i got the apartment through her and everything is handed to me. I told him to leave he said no so I said " Im going to call the cops' and he said " go ahead" so I called them. He left before they came though..later on my grandmother said he also said something about me having a silver spoon.  I went on this leadership retreat for school on halloween weekend all my stuffed been moved- thats when my grandma moved out and decided to move my stuff into her old room. $140 is missing from my stuff I know he stole it he would tell if he did. He has a thing about stealing from people and lieing like there is no tomorrow. He stole games from me when we were younger and sold them he still denies it because. I use to have a lot of games for my super nintendo that my cousin gave me and he sold them I remember i use to have spiderman for and supermario brothers. They went missing so I go to the game store and my supermario brothers game is there where he sold it for money or whatever. I heard that he been through alot as a child he was beaten my his stepmother and tied to a table and put into a home because our mother was a drug addicted he was also hit by a car..but he has a mind of a child he has been in and out a jail and stuff be he is a grown man he'll be 29 this month and he has a daughter. when are people able to grow up. Every single of my brothers and sisters been through hell. My sister told me that If I went what they went through i would be tougher..My options of a baby was stay with my foster mother and dont know my family that well or be adopted. Now I think about I wouldn't want to know anyone.

Thanksgiving and afterwards.

My drunken mother came down for thanksgiving yelling and ranting about stupid stuff drinking herself away. I sent her text msgs saying i cut myself because she likes to bother me when she drinks. I told her everytime you bother me I'll send you crazy messages. so when she came she said where your cuts you aint crazy. This went on for the whole time she was here. Oh yea me and my sister live together my grandmother moved to a place for old people. She wasn't here for her rants she cried and yelled and talked to herself into 1 or 2 in the morning and it was also about her birthday how no one called her.She also cried about her uncle because he told her that his stomach was hurting. come to find out later that his stomach was hurting because the smell of alcohol on her breath was too much for him. If I did call her on her birthday it would go to my little brother phone. Want to know why because she somehow decided to have all her calls forward to his phone. Then the next day thanks giving she picked with me and i lost it and cursed " I'm fucking tired of this shit" I think thats what I said I dont remember. All I know is I was tired of here going on at me she thinks I'm telling my little brother what to do. He is stuck living with her because he moved with her to go to college. So I snapped. It's funny cause I think of the people who say all i saw was red or I blacked out i cant remember what happen. And they killed the people. Anyways after I cursed I went down stairs she followed screaming "fuck you" thanks mom. I cursed before a couple years ago because she is fat, very fat and has a stomach. So one day when she came by she decided to do what she does best which is drink and pick at me. Then she came in my room yelling and what not i cursed she conered me with her large belly and I think i said " get the fuck away from me". Then all hell broke lose as usually. Then she cursed and I told her how she isn't my mother the only mother I had was my grandmother who adopted me. Which is now true according to my birth certificate her name is no longer on it.  Any ways back to thanksgiving she sat outside road around in a cab to my more liquor. I believe that she dispises me i dont know why..maybe because I'm the one that got adopted by her mother...So by law again I'm really her sister and her daughter at the same time lol. Anyways everytime she drinks or when I hear from her or anything else about her I get depressed..Really depressed suicidual thinking depressed. I dont think that I love her..because I dont really care about her anymore..I just dont care anymore.