The Next Morning

I'm still sad my throat fell soarish. My back was semi bothering me. Maybe its me making excuses or not wanting to go to work. I dont have to only if I want to because I'm not signed up. yesterday I only got paid for an hour because the internet was down so no one was able to work. I'm thinking about my bills and how much money I will have next week. I'm Just sad I dont know ahhh. I rememeber having diaries when i was younger and my grandmother looking for every single one and reading them popping the lock off of one of them. I cant be here no more I know I keep on talking about it and realize that I have to take action but how? Where am i suppose to go. just a second ago I had a sharp pain in my neck my right hand is bothering me probably because i be on the computer too much. My throat been bothering me for a couple of days because I've been sick and I coughed so much blood finally came up. Will I ever become more then what I am now. Will I ever be truly happy and moving on from the demons that sound me (not talking about family) that try to break me. Oh yea I found my great uncle on the internet acuatly my little sister sara did. He was in the obituray the list he died at 87 Egidio Mello his children and that his brother was still alive my grandfather that my grandma keep saying that he dead. So i looked on them on facebook which they have and started to ask if they were the children of the late Egidio first his stepdaughter wrote me because I asked her then when i woke up this morning his daughter said yes and asked me to add her then later his son did. They are cape verdian portuguese. Never knowing that Thinking that they are from acutally portugal. And me getting the portugal flag and what not knowning the truth because I only know some of the one side of my family. When i get older my children will know everyone  that I know and no one will be forgotten. Still thinking about last night waiting for my sister to come and drag my brother stuff in thats outside. I'm thinking what I have to hear about him not having no where to put his stuff. I dont care everyone believes that i was giving everything yes but not happiness. But hopefully God will provide me with something more then what i have been given so far. His words that I remember lurks in my mind followed with tears. My grandmother said that her chest did hurt yesterday and that she might get a bruise.

One of those days

Tonight my grandmother let my older brother in the house. he took a shower because he stinks. I told him why didnt he take a shower at where is staying at. We got into a agrument. I said to him- While you were staying her you should of saved up money and you didnt. he said that he did but I know he was lying. Remember he is 29 then he started to yell because my grandmother was taking up for me. Then he said that everything is giving to me. I told him that he needs to get his self together because he has more responsiblity then me. Meaning his child and everything. Then he said something else smart before he left. Then I said that he do and sell drugs. Then he said you want to talk about me. "Everythign is handed to you...your a nobody.. you dont have any friends...and about being in the real world ( because my I got the apartment from my grandmother but it cost $700 which he doesn't know)" etc..Then i told him to leave he wouldnt then he said make me. So I got up and pushed him towards the open door he wanted to fight he said call the cops I didnt I hit him and try to get him out the door. We scuffled then my grandma got up so we wouldn't fight. He wouldn't leave so I got his clothes and threw them outside in the snow. He just walked away. My grandma said he was trying to punch me and instead he accidently hit her in the chest. So now his stuff is outside piled up against the wall. But I'm here said and depressed I cant be in this enivoriment. I cant my back is started to kill me after that. And afterwards I was shaking I called my mom and just broke down crying she said dont let him in anymore I told her that I didnt grandma did. Then she told me to pray and talk to god which I will do because hes all I have. my grandmother chest is hurting and she probably going to have a bruise.I'm just sad wanting to leave and never looking back for anyone except for my niece. I cant take it.